Well this is a hard post to write... but I need to, as this is the reality of my life & where I struggle probably the most. Once again it's my dear Tyler. Of course our January - April has arrived. It is his hardest time of the year. (As I look back on Jan... I realize it was a hard time for not only myself, but for friends, community members & many, many others - as I know that many tragedies have happened due to such hard times. I am grateful that we have been able to make it through ours & that we are able to move forward.)
Well, not to be a bore - but, we have once again hit a brick wall with behavior, attitude, homework, etc. (Tyler is now about 5' 6.5" tall, & weighs about 115 lbs.)
I have been beside myself at how I am going to help my son make it through the 6th grade. As the weeks have grown immensely harder since school started (after Christmas) I have been dealing with my own inner pain & have seriously had to take time out to breath, as I didn't know how I was going to handle anything more!!! I constantly have to remind myself to think of how Tyler is viewing his world right now, how or what could be going on, try to come up with new ways o help motivate him, think of ways to keep the peace enough that he won't do anything dangerous to himself.... So many things to constantly be thinking about & staying on top of. I have tried to get to a point in my life that I don't constantly worry... but just think! (That is a terribly hard thing to do!)
I record these things so I can look back & see that we did survive & that Tyler is learning, growing, & maturing! I am most grateful to know that he realizes that no matter how much he feels he doesn't like me at times or how awful of a mother he thinks I am.... deep down he knows he can trust me & that I love him with all my heart & that I am here to help him. I love him & I hope he will always know this!!
I am so grateful during this time to have been warned & inspired to find time to "listen," to not judge, to not be quick to respond... in being constantly prayerful, I feel Heavenly Father had prepared me to help Tyler get through this hard time faster & easier than had I not been prepared. I believe that because of this - the outcome has been amazing compared to what could have happened.
Of course, when something is wrong in Tyler's world or during this season particularly Tyler's stress, coping, outbursts, & anger are usually at an all time high. This past few weeks it has been increasingly hard, with no reason that i/we could figure out.
- Last night Tyler FINALLY had a meltdown & confided in me that he is loosing his mind & if he can't get (a friend whom I will call) "Sean" to leave him alone, he wasn't sure what would happen. He told me what happened today at school as he perceives it, but before that - the story rewinds just a bit.....
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About a week & 1/2 ago on a Thursday night "Sean's" mom called me. We are good friends & have known each other for many years....etc.
She informed me that she was concerned that "Sean" came home & felt that he had made Tyler upset at recess that day & she wanted to make sure that Tyler was o.k. & that he wasn't mad with "Sean".
But, as the phone conversation went on & I told her that Tyler hadn't said anything to me about it & that he was probably fine... She then told me how he had gotten a bloody nose at this same recess & hoped it hadn't gotten Tyler in trouble. (??? So I started to get a little more worried.)
She then told me that "Sean" said they were wrestling & he got bumped in the face by Tyler's arm or leg & that is why his nose started bleeding.... (That was a BIG flag for me... as I knew Tyler wasn't going to be cool with someone trying to wrestle him & that it wasn't most likely a consensual activity. As he can't handle CONTACT, especially w/aggression - with any person.)
But she was mostly concerned about Tyler's feelings, that he didn't get in trouble, & that "Sean" hadn't done something to make Tyler mad at him. (I found this all very odd, but told her we'd talk & if there was a problem I'd get back to her.)
WELL - I sat Tyler down - we talked about it:
He told me that he was playing football (with a great friend whom I will call) Jack & some other kids. (He talks a lot about Jack, I personally don't know him... but Tyler does mention him often & seems to really like him as they have been in the same class for the past couple years.. I don't know if that friendship is mutual - I assume it could be?, but not in the sense that they ever get together outside of school. But I have encouraged it.)
Tyler then told me that another group of boys - including "Sean," some other neighbor boys, & a few others were trying to trip the boys (& him) by grabbing their feet as they were running playing football & pulling them to the ground. (That Sean & the others weren't playing football - they were only going after kid's feet.)
* Well, this is how Tyler perceived it - Yes, they very likely could have been playing football. Sean's mom tells me he told her they were wrestling??
So .... I asked about the bloody nose... Tyler said "MOM, I asked him to STOP (Tyler is yelling this at me... & when Tyler says stop in our home... that to us is a warning.)
Then he continues... "Mom, I tried to stay away from him & he kept coming at ME & grabbing my ankles while I was trying to catch the ball & trying to pull me to the ground.. I ASKED him 5 TIMES to STOP."
Then he went on to explain that when he fell - the next time (from being tripped) he did land on top of Sean, & that yes, he did hurt him. He did express feeling bad for hurting him, but also was so upset he had asked him so many times & couldn't get him to stop.
He then told me that a teacher became involved - they were all talked to & the other boys claimed it was an accident (blood) & that they were wrestling/or whatever they might have said.... but then Tyler told the teacher that the boys were teasing him & wouldn't stop (Sean told his mom this & that he was confused at Tyler's response. Of course Sean's mom was alarmed as to WHY? would Sean tease Tyler.)
SO - Considering I didn't get a call from the school... I really didn't know what to think. So, I tried to take in both sides of the story & then had a HUGE talk with Tyler about totally staying away from Sean (particularly.) & some ways he could do that, or other activities he could participate in. We talked about how he needed to talk to his teacher if he had another problem at the school. Or to go straight to a teacher who might be out at recess & tell them if he felt trapped & couldn't get help.
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The next day (Friday) Sean was gone from school & Tyler seemed to have a fine day... nothing was ever mentioned about it again - I seriously blew it off & felt it was boys being boys & that since we had "our talk" -Tyler would move on to something else & avoid the situation.
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WELL - of course last week was tough... But, then I could see the steam boiling again - Last night was very hard... I never even thought about Sean or the conversation we had, had previously. Tyler couldn't work on his homework, kept crying (which he isn't a crier), argued about everything... finally I told him he had to stay home from the Rec. Center to get his work done. (As I have been taking him & the other kids to the Rec. almost every weeknight since the beginning of Jan - to help him (& us all) burn off steam/energy.....) etc.
So he stayed home. I got home & he came to me about 10pm crying again.
This is what he told me:
Mom... what if when I'm running, I turn pale, & I can't breathe?
What if I am running, I can't get my breath, & I feel like I am going to pass out?
What if I can't breath & I am going to die?
What if a lot of people keep chasing me & they won't stop?
....... So??? We talk about his Asthma & how ... he isn't coughing, & we aren't doing any treatments at home right now - this isn't his asthma, or it would be 24/7... not just at recess. We talk about why he would be running so fast & how maybe he should try playing basketball instead, or doing a more calm activity if he feels like he can't breath, how he can CHOOSE to do other activities so that people won't chase him....& he is arguing about 200 reasons of whys & hows (Something isn't right!)
THEN after calmly giving him ways, ideas, & reasons of how he needs to slow down, calm down, choose other activities, etc..... HERE come the TEARS again & he literally falls on the couch sobbing & mentions Sean's name.
SO....... HE tells me he is/was playing Tag with Jack today (& possibly other days too).... there were obviously more people playing tag - but he can't recall who. But wither or not Sean & a few others are playing tag too or not, they keep chasing him at every recces (?)
He has been trying to deal with it. He has been trying other games - with Jack.
He has been asking the boys to STOP, he has been trying to stay away from "them."
Today sometime during a game of TAG, Sean became "IT" again.... Tyler sees SEAN as always chasing him no matter what... if SEAN is it - he is coming after Tyler. (? I don't know what to think/say.)
But after trying to play along, it started becoming a tackling game while playing tag.... Tyler asked Sean to stop. He then explained The NEXT time Sean was IT ... SEAN had 4-5 other people/friends help chase Tyler & tackle him down.... I don't know what happened at this point & beyond. (I am sure this could be fun for the boys. Tyler is much taller now, much bigger, most boys like Tyler would enjoy being tackled, or chased... but it isn't working for Tyler!)
TYLER was sobbing uncontrollably, he was breaking out in hives, he was exhausted. He told me he was on the verge of loosing his mind & didn't know how to get them to stop. What do you do???
.... So, I quickly & calmly started talking to him about how he needed to choose other activities for a while & take a break from these boys & to STAY away from SEAN. Even if Jack, isn't involved in them. I warned him how he couldn't do anything more - except to tell a teacher & to get away. I made him promise me that he would get help from someone (Teacher, principal, me, etc.) & that I would notify them all & they would be able to help, but that he could not act out in any way! I continue to go over this with him in the morning before he goes to school & for him it works!!
As soon as I had him calmed down & in bed... I thought about everything & realized I needed to call Sean's mom.
I told her I was concerned tonight after Tyler had just come talk to me & had a melt down. So considering our last conversation & what has happened, I needed her help. I told her about how Tyler is a bit different & has troubles understanding what others do & mean at times, especially if he feels he is being attacked.... I talked a bit to her about his sensory issues, delays in social understanding, etc... due to a chromosome syndrome that he has - (but, that I didn't have a lot of time to tell her all about those issues.) Of course this is all news to her ....as our relationship with their family has been pretty casual over the years & it isn't like they have needed to know any details of his situation, beyond the norm.
So, I told her of my conversation from the 1st incident w/Tyler & how he said he was playing football & that the boys weren't playing with them - that he felt they were trying to hurt him, trip him, etc..... how he felt very upset & stressed that he had asked/told SEAN to STOP trying to trip him, tackle his feet, etc... & how Sean wouldn't stop. That he knew he had hurt Sean, & that he did feel bad, but that Sean DIDN'T & wouldn't stop.
I told her we had talked about the situation, & how we had told Tyler that he then needed to stay away from Sean if he felt there was trouble, that he wasn't to play games near him due to the stress & pressure. ... then she informed me that it wasn't just a bloody nose that Sean came home with that past Thurs., but he actually had a cracked/fat lip too... that lasted well into the weekend. She also then commented to me how she had told Sean "Wow, for an accident - it looks like he must have been kind of mad to have done that to you" & how she'd told him that he better be careful & stay away from Tyler if he had lost his temper, he'd probably do it again. (I was totally sick!)
Then I told her about how overwhelmed he was tonight & how he can't handle the constant tackling, wrestling, teasing, etc. anymore & that I needed her to please ask Sean if he would please help, by just avoiding & staying away from Tyler for a while. I told her that we have talked to Tyler & told him the same. But if they could both find other things to do & stay away from each other this could all go away & they would be fine. (Luckily Sean's mom is an amazing gal & was so compassionate!! I was so grateful for her understanding, support, & reassurance that she was more than willing to help & talk with her son. I told her that I would be contacting the school teachers involved with the boys to alert them to what was happening & that the Principal, who is a wonderful friend of ours too, - would be notified so that we are all on the same page. )
The next morning - Tyler slept well, he woke up ready to go back to school. He was very attentive when I gave him instructions of what to do & how I expected him to behave. He was very relieved to know that his teachers & the principal would know. I could tell he was surprised I got so much done in one night (chalk up another sleepless night!) But I could tell he was at peace knowing that Sean's mom knew, & that she was going to talk to him before school. Especially knowing that they would both take a break from each other & that he could count on not being "attacked" (in his eyes).... was all the relief he needed.
Life has been so frazzling... I have to admit I went into High alarm mode when Tyler fell apart.... as I wanted to make sure that I tried to prevent anything from happening...if there was any possibility that it might.
I would always pray in a situation like this that nothing would ever happen & I surely couldn't/wouldn't risk him acting out in a physically dangerous way towards anyone, including Sean!
Over the years Tyler has always held this type of stuff in. He has always acted out in other ways such as failing a class or 2 in school, having a panic attack & not being able to get on/off the bus, developing an OCD trait (tying shoelaces over & over - tighter & tighter), or a numerous amount of things we have dealt with. (We are so grateful for the communicating & coping skills Mrs. Fillicetti helped him learn over the past many years working with him.... as it has become so much easier.)
But considering Tyler has always had very few friends & kept to himself over the past many years ... we have been surprised to see him getting involved & "wanting" to be part of the crowd/group & do new activities. He has seemed to do pretty well up to this point.
I am pretty amazed still that he was able to (finally) comprehend what the problem was for him - that he did come to me, expressed great concern, & told me he needed help. I am so glad I wasn't to busy to listen, that I was home in the 1st place, & was able to help him!!
I am so grateful that once we realize what the problem is for him - that we can intervene & that he does do so well with verbal coaching. I do feel he learns from these experiences & that he is progressing at rates unexpected for kids in similar circumstances.
Considering we are going on 12 years now dealing with his uniqueness - we know that every event & every situation in his life (as he learns & adapts) is an experiment & learning opportunity - not only for him, but us too!
I really don't know & will never know how much of the bloody nose/lip was an accident or intentional, but - I had to take it a step further & make sure the school was involved as I wanted to make sure I prevented anything more from happening. The schools have never seen anything like this from Tyler & always say they'd never expect to see him act like this. I would also hope & pray - that we never would either.....But, I know Tyler & I know he has limits - I am not saying he is violent, mean, or a bad person - BUT he is so tall compared to his friends right now, & he is much stronger now & I just don't want to ever give him the opportunity to become one of those kids or "people" who could go down the wrong path, cause nobody saw the signs or listened when he was asking for help.
I can't imagine what goes on in his mind as he tries to deal with the everyday things most of us take for granted. I don't know if we will ever fully understand how he perceives life, the activities, & people around him!! It is hard, not only on us, but him too.
I am pleased that after talking with Tyler (& coaching him) on who I had talked to, who knew, what had been said, what was expected of him, & what he needed to do - he came home & reported to me tonight that he "chose" to find a new friend (interesting enough who has special needs too) at school yesterday to be near at recess so he would not be involved in the games & activities that were bothering him. Due to that step on his part & understanding that we intervened (& are on top of it,) & that the other teachers/principal know..... the pressure & stress is over for him - that is how he works. (I know it is the most unbelievable thing... but this is just how he works.)
With time, as we work on the thinking process & coming around to being able to interact with these friends again (& with permission from Sean's mom) I will encourage Tyler that when he feels he can take the next step, that I'd like him to make some cookies (or something he chooses) & take them to Sean with an apology for hurting him. As I feel it is important & necessary he learns to be responsible, compassionate, & learn to work out his problems the best he can & I really feel that with practicing these things (as he is being taught) he is learning.
So, with time... we will continue to move forward, learn from this event, grow, & progress.... Tyler even though I know you don't realize it now. I Love you with all my heart!! I am grateful for these experiences (after they are over - most of the time) as I see how they have & do change the person I use to be & strive continually to become. I am so grateful for that, I am grateful for the patience I am learning & also for the new skills that I learn as we go down this path together as a family!! I am SO Grateful for the Holy Ghost & for his promptings!! Thank-you Heavenly Father for blessing my life with Tyler.
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